Clashes of Titans
We use circumstances to help understand
the causes for how we feel.
And sometimes we can think the circumstance
or a certain person
is the cause for what we feel.
I call this blog “Clashes of Titans” after two recent situations.
Situation 1:
A few weeks ago, I asked a trusted person for
honest feedback about my work.
She hesitated.
I pressed in.
She is one who seemed to benefit from my work
and yet she rarely asked me about it.
The ambiguity made me curious.
and I tend to satisfy my curiosity...
She hesitated for a minute, so I assured her I was sincere.
I also thought I could take anything she might say.
When she began, it was not to take issue with my ideas
as I expected.
No ...
She wasted no time getting to her gripe:
my behavior when in conversation with her
about my work.
I had prepared myself to listen
but I was not prepared for a criticism
of me, personally.
Clearly, she had thought about this...
I felt my gut tighten
and my head began to throb
as she accurately described how,
when she attempted to show what she
understood
about what I explained,
how I reacted instantly to correct her.
No discussion, she said.
No give-and-take as in,
'Can you tell me how you made
that connection with what I said?'
or
"Do I understand you correctly?' and
check to see that I understood her comment.
Her remarks surprised me,
but even more, I was surprised by
my feelings as she spoke.
I held my lips tight so that
I would not interrupt her.
After all, I asked for this, and
I truly wanted to know.
I had been prepared to make explanations
where she misunderstood my methods,
but I was not ready to hear accurate,
detailed descriptions of how she received my
"reasonable" behavior in past conversations.
The shock was that I had never picked up on
how she felt during our conversations
because - it was now becoming obvious -
her habit was to be polite to spare my feelings.
My feeling was that I had explained poorly
and tried to fix it with still more attempts to explain,
as if she could not understand the concepts.
This was offensive for just one reason:
I did not talk with her as an equal.
I had glossed over her attempt to
show that she did understand - in a way -
and saw my comeback as insisting that
she use words mine.
That's how she felt.
My eyes were opened to the fact that
I had only increased the distance between us,
thinking I was not understood and by persisting,
trying to make her understand me.
She said that I failed to find out what -
if anything - in what I communicated
actually took hold in her mind.
Situation 2:
A different conversation with someone I care about.
The two of us had become accustomed to
"being on the same page" philosophically.
In a relaxed setting, we were watching TV,
so we assumed we "saw" the same thing.
But as we shared our thoughts about it,
it became increasingly obvious that we were
miles apart in our respective perspectives.
My friend had paused the program to make a comment.
That seemed ok to me because we enjoy that sort of thing.
But a few minutes later, she paused it again.
This time, she asked me to explain a bit of technology mentioned in the program.
Again, not unusual in our conversations,
but I was getting into the program.
To skip ahead in this story,
I often realize that I go overboard with information
when the other person didn't need the whole
encyclopedia on the subject.
Now, my attention on the program was paused
while I shifted to technology.
She asked questions as I went on,
and I felt it necessary to answer each one.
All the while, my mind is paused at the last scene in the tv program,
repeating like a needle stuck on a record,
playing the same lyric over and over.
Yes, I became agitated and my voice showed it,
not just because she paused the program,
but also because explaining technology
is a completely different track of mind from recreational tv.
Now there were four dynamics in play:
1) she's tracking her questions and my answers;
2) I'm trying to focus on stringing technical concepts together,
3) the nagging sensation that the tv program is on hold, and
4) the offense brewing in my friend, thinking I don't want to help her.
My intellectual intensity exploded on her as insensitivity
and she expressed her feeling, that she was losing our friendship.
This, with tears brimming.
That startled me.
I recovered, remembering how important mutual trust had become.
Trying to reach an understanding...
We each used many words and much emotion
to try and bring the other person into a place
where one could see as the other saw.
The roots were in a situation unrelated to this one.
At this point, we both had a stake in restoring
the foundation of our friendship.
In the effort to understand and be understood,
we stepped into each other's shoes -
swapped places in remembering the situation.
I saw through her eyes; she saw through mine.
Eventually, we succeeded in making amends,
gaining deeper insight about each other and about life.
We may be less idealistic about our relationship, and
more realistic about having true agreement.
In the process of keeping interaction peaceful,
we had inadvertently become dishonest with each other.
We enjoyed so much peaceful and creative interaction
that we had a fence around us to keep disagreement out.
As a writer, I often experience a perfect word coming to mind.
This time, it is dissimulation.
My friend and I had cultivated too much politeness.
too much dissimulation:
using false appearances
to hide our true feelings.
My friend is especially adept at smoothing over
social difficulties by leading with a caring disposition.
I, contrarily, tend to rely on accurate information
rather than use pleasing language.
Putting myself in her shoes let me see
how a "white lie" is actually necessary for harmony,
that the awkwardness I had come to accept
was keeping people at arm's length - or worse.
How the 12 Phases™ helps me
Individual value is the first principle here.
It is natural: a condition of personhood,
the DNA, disposition, and natural resources
that each of us is born with.
The 12 Phases™ says that we respond
to the unexpected in life instantly -
from your unconscious intuition - because
the conscious mind has no "box" to put it in.
Intuition leads you through a crisis
truly
according to the life you were given
in the beginning.
This life - this life force -
is your distinction among others.
The particular set of facets that are you
respond as you, day by day.
Einstein says it in special relativity.
Neurology says it in the wiring that unites body and mind.
Biology says it in your human features; no two are alike.
The 12 Phases™ is a system that names twelve movements
that keep you returning to your best, over and over,
capturing change and making it an asset,
an addition to your growing base of life knowledge.
Managing the fine points is a
person-by-person, situation-by-situation effort.
It requires that we keep the end in sight,
possibly to the degree to which the relationship
depends on love and/or good will.
So, how do we share honestly and have peace?
The 12 Phases™ is a new way to see our differences
as positive, to respect others as we respect ourselves,
because it identifies how life supports us equally,
apart from the way you and I
move along our unique life trajectories.
The 12 Phases™ is Nature's way of supporting us!
You naturally move toward your heart's desire,
as an individual - in your organism.
This means that you function to survive -
like, and unlike, other living creatures.
Humans have a particular need for survival:
Meaning
and its close companion,
Purpose.
Meaning and a sense of purpose
is what keeps us running at optimum.
Meaning and purpose move us forward
when the mind can't get what it wants.
Autonomy...
is a perspective built on
your life experience,
the environments you play in,
the relationships you cultivate,
what happens to be important to your life,
and what's most important at this moment.
My perspective is built the same way, but the details
are completely different!
We may think we're talking about the same thing (exterior),
but we're actually describing diverse views (interior).
If we map your life experience,
we learn the story that is you.
Even though we grow at the same pace -
the human organism's pace -
in repeating cycles of twelve phases ...
I can see and respect the unique
way you make your way from your inborn nature
and your response to the unexpected.
Life always finds a way.
Each story helps us appreciate
the many ways
life shows up for us.
In the last blog, Personhood,
I talked about the space we hold
and how that physical space is not shared,
and our perspective is not shared.
Regardless of what we experience together,
how we "see" things is different.
We can trade thoughts like playing cards -
separate reports on the views from where we stand.
Wisdom would come in putting those pieces together.
Try this "Diane" imagination about you:
Consider Time as being in motion when you were born.
The 12 Phases can serve as principles for the path of Good
moving forward through the year:
January through December: 12 months, 12 Phases.
So, the month you were born
would be the role you play
in bringing Good into the world,
according to the progression of the Phases™.
I imagine a personality
according to the month you were born,
with attributes indicated by the principle of that phase.
Here we go ...
By birth month:
Maybe the Januarys are big picture people, seeing the whole, not parts.
Februarys would organize life around personal priorities, first.
March babies tend to scope out their place among others.
April personalities might be forceful, choosing action over thinking.
May people would create harmony and unity with others.
The Junes are effective personalities who push through obstacles.
July people can see meaning behind the demands of life.
August babies glimpse the future and assist with transitions.
September personalities can facilitate new beginnings.
October people would assess facts for a global comprehension.
November people can see beyond the undoing into a good future.
December babies are compelled to stand firm for love's sake.
That’s all today.
Do your part.
Use your powers for good.
Cheers!